What I Must Do - Through Him

The year of 2012 was suppose to be about butterflies

I had designated the images 

had posted them

around the social network

And told friends – time to come out of the shell

Time to shift

This will be the year of the butterfly

that breaks free to be a beautiful 

flying wonder

The year was to be about transition

Coming out of the cocoon and of our own will – flying free

I was so certain, that I could do it alone. That I could do it all by myself.

Fly free-

Free into the world of the desert

Free into the world of self discovery.

Placing every idol I could

Before God- meaning

My ‘cause’ – the noble idea of the how politics can save us all

Meaning

My ‘love life’ – the idea that a mere man can save me

Meaning

Me, myself and I. 

Meaning Ego- driven identity

with idols at my behest.

But 2012 was not

because God has other plans

For me to be free- under His Will

For me to succumb to the will of Christ our Lord

And to allow, on my knees, for the Holy Spirit to fill me with joy and understanding

The year started out glamorous and full of potential

Pregnant with my own desires

With a deep need to be accepted to be liked

But then – like a flash of lightning

The whole thing shifted

To the cicada

A somewhat uglier creature

That toils inside the earth for years and years

Only to reach the surface and break free after a struggle

This image – serves an example of what I must do

Struggle against my vanity

Struggle against my pride

Submit to the will of God

And only through Him, out of the struggle – Fly.

Path

Succumbing to the truth

And to the path

I feel like everything lines up.

Every single conversation

Every effort, well done

Every effort – tried to best of ability

Flex muscle

Extend mind

Do Good Work

For Jesus

And the Father

And the Holy Spirit

In One.

Psalm 37:4

Something I made for my room.

untitled

I've forced my self

still. no words.

spill - as I strain

and yearn to comprehend Grace

and live

in Him. lose my self

fill. with love.

drill - into His words

comprehending but a 

fragment of

Glory. 

Praying Mantis

Are all His creatures, bowing down in prayer

for the present moment –  by design?

Did He strike a chord – a balance

Within His creations and their relationship to time?

So much so, that they seem to know how to be themselves?

Why are we, even though created in His image,

So oft devoid of presence of mind – courage - heart

So oft not in this present moment

But instead like Lot’s wife – looking back- looking apart.

Or if not back - then looking forward

yearning for something more - like its owed to us

fantasizing about some imagined future

some utopia in the distance - an idea of "success."

So we struggle: So I struggle, too.

What intricate fantasies, I have created.

Unable to sit still in the moment

Impatient, never deferring or respecting male-headship.

See, I have paid the price – high and costly

For speaking always and speaking loudly.

Instead, I will make the mantis my mentor.

That as an image will remind me

To bow my head – put my hands in prayer

And for sound reasoning – keep my mind clear. 

To have the courage to put Him first – before me

So that – like a beacon - He will guide my attitude

In any direction – so that it’s like second nature

To consult Him – and walk in constant gratitude

Just like all His creations do – from sun up to sun down

Worship the Lord in their different fashions

Just by being perfectly themselves and serving Him

The only way they know how.

Praying Mantis, I will study how you pray.

Just like second nature – as God fashioned you that way

I will carry God's words in my heart

So that when I speak – only His words will come out. 

For S.B.

For unto whomsoever much is given,

of him shall be much required: 

and to whom men have committed much, 

of him they will ask the more.

Luke 12:48

holding myself accountable

I am reminded - 

day in and night out

that I must hold myself accountable for my actions

in every space and moment

even when 

I could allow my pride to 

put me in a higher place

or pride to get me attention

I keep gravitating towards

working hard.

and doing good.

when I am bound to pain and when I am afraid

I pray

in that darkness 

and God shines a light 

shines a way

both to my path and to my feet. 

Shines a way through and I am blessed with his words

work hard

and do good.

Glory, Glory

I am certain

Beyond a shadow of a doubt

That through You, my poetry will take different shape.

Like the shape of a tiny cicada that wants to dig free

think description of the things that live around 

that exist simply to show us 

the bounty 

the glory, glory

that my poetic lips will grow 

more silent of lusts and greeds and deeds

and instead use my poet hands to 

grow more praise of Your bounty

of Your glory, glory

poetry - where there won’t be much mention of me

Lord, help me, silence my ego.

And let me be still and at peace -forever in Your presence

And let me shape these words into something so lovely

That people smile at the sight of these words.

Like the shape of a tiny cicada growing big

And finally pushing free to make one of Your many sounds– sound around us
sounds that surround us

Reminding us all

The glory and the glory – of Your creation. 

for You

why wouldn’t I write poetry about You?
Why did I go this long without uttering words of praise
And awe and gratitude towards You?

All this time, I have written about anger and fear
About men About love
About loves labors lost
Trying to imitate Shakespeare
And others
Trying to imitate myself.

When the authentic thing finally pushed through

 It was for You, God. Always for You.